(no subject)

[garote]

You know what I liked the most about ex²? She always knew exactly how to act in a romantic moment. If we were talking about something important, and I took her hand and looked at her, she would look right back, and be right there with me. We both knew how to discard the entire world around us for that intent, direct link.

She wouldn't suddenly tense up, out of some nervous aversion to intimacy. She would never look away. She wouldn't be too busy smoking a goddamn cigarette to accept my hand. She would never be drunk and unable to concentrate. I think it was because, underneath all the laughter and the hugs and the warmth, we took our relationship very seriously.

And always, always, ALWAYS, if we asked what was on the other person's mind, they would tell us.

As far as I'm concerned, the phrase "I don't want to talk about it" is slow poison to a relationship. Over a thousand ICQ messages, countless emails, postcards, and written letters, and millions of spoken words, ex² and I never said "I don't want to talk about it" a single time.

Please, people ... stop using that phrase. Whenever you're tempted to, discard it, and instead plunge forward into whatever it is you want to avoid. Because when you bring that out of yourself with words, and communicate it to someone else, you change it's shape within yourself ever so slightly.

Comments

Yup, slow poison

[(Anonymous)]

So what are relationships? Relationships are communication between people. Without communication there is no relationship. Therefore, shutting off a part of communication is shutting of a part of the relationship. And like a living being, then, it starts to bleed....

A relationship can withstand cuts & bruises, but a deep wound like that needs to be fixed or the relationship will die.

[pennygirl.livejournal.com]

I agree with you 100% Garrett, and the annonymous posted before me! :)

[garote]

I knew you would : You roXor!

Re: Yup, slow poison

[garote]

Excellent simile.

[desdemona4602.livejournal.com]

hm...
I don't think I can agree with that...

but that's just me... :P

[autumnofnewbury.livejournal.com]

Hrm, how's that hiatus from Lj going?

So I completely agree with you..I finally fessed up to B. about a little white lie that I told him like a year and a half ago, suddenly it just started to bother me, and I couldn't keep it in any longer. He laughed when I told him the truth, and then we both laughed about how nominal it was. When he would ask me questions about this little white lie I would tell him that it was something that I didn't want to talk about. Some people can sleep at night with those things, but I can't.

You hate smokers, don't you? Sigh. It's a wonderful addiction. Those who don't smoke do not understand it.

Well, enjoy that hiatus.

[garote]

No dear lady, I don't hate smokers. I hate smoking.

"It's a wonderful addiction. Those who don't smoke do not understand it."

You're absolutely right. I don't understand it. What I do understand is the effect it has on me. I enjoy a good campfire. I enjoy a good barbecue. I don't even mind pot-smoke -- it's more fragrant and doesn't affect me the same way, for some reason.

But earlier today I was out on the veranda having a chat with my mother. She was sitting a good six feet away and there was no wind. Even so, the smoke drifting from her cigarette made my eyes burn and water in less than a few minutes.

It's especially bad when I'm in good physical health ... after I've been on an exercise program, or played a season of some sport, and been eating well. Just a few minutes, and I have to blink extra hard for the rest of the day. Yes, this actually happens. It's not some kind of trumped-up righteous fakery. I wish it was, because then I could ignore it.

My mother has smoked the entire time I've been alive. I love her very much, and I think a lot of my best qualities come from her. But every time I talk to her, I pay for it. And I can't help being reminded, every time, how she can't play any sports, or run very long, or even do aerobics, and hasn't been able to for her entire middle age, since about 40. The strain it would place on her heart, trying to work under such a meager oxygen supply, would put her into cardiac arrest. And her body knows it.

That makes me so sad ... she was hooked on it before anyone knew anything. It's not like she decided to do something bad to herself -- she didn't know -- there wasn't even information about it back then, when she was in her teens ...

Heh, pardon. I seem to have gotten a bit riled up. I guess that really is one of my strong issues.

The LJ hiatus goes pretty well ... my plans to invade Sacramento are moving slowly along ... getting stuff done, making a schedule ... Thanks for asking! :)

[ex-zeugma416.livejournal.com]

This is true ... though there is something to be said for deferring a subject until a later time, when it's worthwhile discussing. When T is stressed, I know that, without question, bringing up any one of a number of topics is going to be counter-productive, and so I refuse to talk about them ... until she's under less pressure, which may take weeks, but when things get discussed at the right time, you get results much more efficiently. Indeed, if you insist on bringing them up at the wrong time, you may never get results at all.

Actually, this reminds me of something Jean-Paul Sartre said vis-a-vis his 'open' relationship with Simone de Beauvoir. The interviewer asked him something like, "So, you always tell each other the absolute truth? Even when you've been seeing other people?" And Sartre's response was something along the lines of: "Well, you know, there is such a thing as tact. But the truth always comes out ... eventually."

That made me smile. Even the hard-core founder of existentialism was imbued with the Gallic sense of propriety and tact, so much so that he relied on it when he was in a sticky situation in his love life ... to hell with Heidegger.

[garote]

Gnahahahaaa!!

Yes, there is definitely tact to consider. Deferring a subject until a better time can be a very smart thing.

Tell me more of this Heidegger fellow? All I know of him is his name, as mentioned in the Bruce's Philosophers Song, by Monty Python.

[mommadona.livejournal.com]

alright.

1. what's this squared business (about the ex)?

2. as far as the phrase "I don't want to talk about it" goes, it's kind of like it can be used some undetermined finite amount of times, and can only be used to buy time until a later date, when one will then be expected to talk about it. this is because sometimes when that thing (the "it") is brought up in need of discussion, the person expected to talk about it may not then be in the fullest capacity to best articulate the discussion.(this is only my opinion of course.)

3. that quote you have about smoking is the goddamned truth, true to, like, the tenth degree. i'm a smoker, and that's exactly how i feel.

fin (the end)

[garote]

2. That's definitely true. As Zeugma said, there is tact and timing to consider, and I'm more than happy to defer conversations until a later date ... so long as they eventually happen, no harm done.

This sort of situation would usually arise when ex² and I were "in public". Out with parents, seeing friends, that sort of thing. Or we'd defer a conversation until morning, if one of us was worn out. It was understood, of course, that we weren't trying to keep something off the stove entirely ... just swap the pots around, so things didn't boil over.

Mmmm I love those cooking analogies! Oh shit, that reminds me, I have some Romaine out on the counter ... got to put it away ...

1. My ex is the girl I dated last year. my ex² is the girl I dated before that. I ain't naming names, but I have to find some way to keep them separate. They were(are) very very different people. I mean, very. I mean, Yow! Very.

3. Wait ... what quote, where? I'm confused!

[mommadona.livejournal.com]

3. this one: "It's a wonderful addiction. Those who don't smoke do not understand it."

1. makes sense... i am just careless and toss out names to identify all the ex's.

2. i read Zeugma's comment after i posted mine, and kind of felt retarded. it all equals the same thing, so it's all good!

[karren.livejournal.com]

Saying those fatefull words can be death do a relationship. Problems need to be delt and out in the open when they occur. I am a HUGE fan of this :P

[knowbuddy.livejournal.com]

First and primarily, I agree with every point you made about smoking. I have the same reaction to smokers. Luckily, none of my friends smoke, but an antire half of my family does. Sympathy and empathy.

Second, you are the only other person I've met who refers to exes in a similar fashion to myself. While you use superscripts, I use subscripts. That is, my mother's husbands are "husband₁" through "husband₄". (Pronounced "husband sub four".) Almost everyone looks at me like I'm nuts when I say it, but once it is explained to them a few even start using it. Kindred.

[garote]

Wow!!

Awesome. :)

[autumnofnewbury.livejournal.com]

I have tried several different methods in attempt to quit smoking, but alas, I have failed over and over.

So if you are serious about moving to Sacramento the time to do so is August when the job market is wide open as well as housing. Housing is always a problem here. That's my thoughts on the matter.

I hope everything as far as moving goes is going well, I know what a bitch it is to move in general, and to move cities. The benefit of moving cities though is a clean start.

[garote]

True ... and a clean start is just what I need, I think.

[autumnofnewbury.livejournal.com]

Well just make sure that you treat it as such, leaving behind what you don't need, keeping what you do. Sometimes it's difficult to do that, because it can involve people as well as things.

I am sure you will have great success in finding the difference between the two!

[garote]

Well spoken. Er, typed I guess!

Re:

[autumnofnewbury.livejournal.com]

Thanks.