(no subject)

[garote]

Couldn't sleep, obviously. So I drove to her house and knocked on her window and we talked.

My only bitter consolation is that she knows she's being stupid. Now the stress-test begins.

^{Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse Do Not Try To Change Her Mind Give Up Now Walk Away It Can Only Get Worse}

Comments

[ex-ilk.livejournal.com]

I know you didn't ask for advice, but in my experience (similar, many years ago) completely cutting this person off right now will either allow her to move on or make her seriously consider a huge mistake. All else, in my experience, is failure. But it looks like you already realize this.

It sucks, and it hurts.

[mirabilevisu.livejournal.com]

perhaps you could have been more honest about your true feelings
perhaps i could have been less oblivious to your emotions

perhaps

only you can control what you take away from all this
only you can control how it shapes you

my warnings to keep your heart in check and to look out for yourself and no one else were sound and sincere. don't let this be the death of it all. know that you made a connection with someone who appreciates who and what you are. use this mess to guide your actions in the future. be clear about your intentions and your needs. and above all, listen to the little voices in your head and heart that fly their red flags and sound their alarms.

[garote]

Ma'am, you, of all people, are not allowed to tell me to be "honest about my true feelings" right now. It's sound advice, but I simply cannot accept it from you.

You are also, of all people, not the one who can tell me to "heed the red flags". Not with what you're doing, and especially not with what you told me last week.

It's good advice, and I know it. But as a defense and an explanation, it's very very callous right now. I've just been dropped like a hot rock for reasons that surprise the hell out of me and that I still cannot understand, and I found out about it by seeing the picture of the two of you naked, in bed, and grinning. Your warnings were "sound and secure?" How could they prepare me for that?

Anyway, before this gets any worse -- all I really wanted to say was, I cannot accept that advice. I cannot accept what seems to boil down to, "I warned you!"

[beatings.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, the old "I am made of stone, carved from the mountain of pure moral invincibility" routine...

There's something you should "take away from all this" yourself: The fact that you are responsible for the way your actions affect other people. You can't will away emotions and actions with "warnings", they're still there, and they're still real.

Maybe this mess will help guide your actions in the future, so you don't screw it up with the next boy.

[garote]

Hey, whoah, I appreciate the sentiment and you're a true pal, but this is kind of over-the-top for me ... I've always tried to keep my journal from turning into a slugfest, and I think I made a mistake talking about this so 'publicly' anyway ... after all, this whole mess was made a _lot_ worse by the fact that I was able to randomly discover someone else's heartfelt gushings that should have been kept private, or at least to email, instead of being splattered on a public blog (everything accessible through the internet, in any way, at any time, is PUBLIC, after all). It would have probably gone down smoother if she'd been able to confront me in person about it first, as she'd been planning to. So we should probably all consider this a lesson learned, about the internet, and blogging.

It was a moment of weakness, actually ... I had no one to call, there was no one in the house, there was no one I could drive to except her, and I was boiling over with a chest-constricting ichor of betrayal and anger that still hasn't settled down or allowed me to sleep, eleven hours later. So I didwhat was probably a stupid thing and posted about it online.

I considered deleting all the postings before anyone woke up and found them, so we could actually have a clean in-person encounter of it. But that was at about 3:00am, after I'd sent a brief email to the guy involved, pointing him to the journal. If I could have deleted that message from his inbox and kept this more private, I would have. But it was too late by then, and there was no way I was going to last until 6pm the next day without making myself sick.

It happened anyway ... I can't eat, I'm only passing vile, burning, undigested filth, I've vomited a few times, and I've lain in bed for three hours with my eyes closed, feeling my heart slither around, not sleeping at all.

So we're all suffering here, I imagine.

Anyway, I appreciat the sentiment, but please don't aim anything at her. That's not what I want here.

[beatings.livejournal.com]

It's like a bad mafia movie... It starts as a quarrel between two mobsters, and before you know it, all of Chicago is ablaze and helicopters are puttering overhead, spilling even more gasoline on the conflagration... Sorry I jumped in where I don't belong, I knew I shouldn't have posted that, but I did anyway.

[mirabilevisu.livejournal.com]

you're very right, learning from this mess will help guide my actions - and words - in the future. it is teaching me more about my responsibilities regarding impressions and word choice, and also about trying to be more in tune with the intentions (or lack thereof) of those around me.

and yes, i am responsible for those words and actions.
however, i am not responsible for how people respond/react to my words and actions.

if i punch a man, i am responsible for his broken jaw, but i am not responsible for him hitting me back.
if i hurt a man, i am responsible for his pain, but i am not responsible for his expression of that pain.

[garote]

You're forgiven. I've certainly been drawn into my fair share of Mortal Combat in the aid of my friends. It's a righteous feeling. Hard to pass up.

Hey, so, Do You Play The Guitar?
Let's Jaaaaam Together!
(insert Parappa the Rapper track here)

[mirabilevisu.livejournal.com]

i understand your sentiment

[garote]

[getting drawn into a philisophical discussion despite himself]
Aaaah but the line is arbitrary!

If I steal a lifeguard's hat, am I responsible for his sunburn? He could _choose_ to stay inside. Yes/no?
If I shout "FIRE!" in a crowded movie theatre, and people panic and a child gets trampled to death, am I responsible for that? Yes/no?

That's a little more fuzzy than yes/no, ... no? Besides, we both agreed that, "If it affects me, it becomes my business." For example:

Would it be an adequate cover of my actions, if I demolished a building, and then annonunced I had done so and said "By the way, I demolished a building. You might want to make sure your friends weren't in it."
Or would it be more responsible to say something like, "Oh by the way, I'm about to demolish a building. You might want to make sure your friends aren't in it."?
The first statement is worthless, the second statement is valuable. And the only difference is timing.

This applies rather directly to what just happened, I think...
Thoughts?

[garote]

Thank you.

[mirabilevisu.livejournal.com]

with the way you and i throw metaphors around
it's amazing we communicate at all
maybe that's the trouble

[garote]

Thank you for your advice, and your concern

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know how to log in to Live Journal, so I'm using anonymous. This is Petrea. Gert, I just found out about this, and I want you to know that I love you. Going through emotional hell is probably the worst thing in life, and you've gone through it lately for sure! For all this woman's words about warnings and her non-responsibility for your pain, she knows that she's done something morally wrong. She's in defensive mode. Rest assured that she will feel guilt about it for a while, just as you will feel pain for a while. The important thing to do is cut off all communication with her so that her guilt doesn't magnify her pain, and vice versa. You got together, started growing together, and she poisoned the growth. It's time to amputate, before the cancer spreads. You may feel the site of the amputation for a while, but at least it won't spread. I love you. Come visit soon, and see your nephews.

[garote]

I'm very glad I have such super sisters :)
*kiss*