A conversation about dating and kids

[garote]

It's a conundrum. That which you focus on, you will have more of. And some things are only available to us for a limited time.

Well said! I was talking to my sister about this a few days ago. Kind of whining, to be honest.

What did you whine?

I said the pattern for this round of single life seems to be, I keep meeting people who are plenty impressive, but somehow I don’t feel a need to pursue them. I don’t care if she’s a lawyer; I don’t care if she’s physically a knockout; I don’t care if she’s climbed Mt. Everest without oxygen, worked with movie stars or CEOs or presidents, earned two PhDs, or won an Emmy. I met each of those people last year, and they all sort of glanced off. Just give me someone personally attractive in my own style, not in any major debt, monogamous, less than 45 minutes away... And then what really matters is how the conversation goes!

I so get that.

I keep telling myself: "This always takes time. You’ve always had to go through many people you don’t feel excited by, before you meet someone you do." And I’ve been trying to think outside the box with dating, because I don't want to repeat any negative history, but I also feel like I just want to give up, because my life right now is easy, great fun, and full of plans and adventure and nephews.

What did your sister say?

She suggested I take a break from dating. Especially online. She said I should join some social clubs and volunteer groups if I wanted to meet new people.

Ugh! Everyone says that. They clearly haven't dated in years. I could hang out in every hiking meetup, maker space, beach cleanup, book group... And never meet anyone.

Oh hey, I’ve done several of those!

Hah! Also, "don't find them, they'll find you" is harder when we're all siloed in professions, or working from home, or we never just walk around the town square like a hundred years ago.

Yeah. I mean, it could still happen. I'm pretty sure I had some near-misses out in public. Stuff that could have gone somewhere if I was quicker on my feet. But I'm such a ... wordy person? So meeting through words feels like a good approach. Words are so important...

They are! Speaking of, thanks for that look behind the scenes. I can definitely relate.

I'm a big fan of seeing behind the scenes! I've done too much hiding, to preserve a status quo at the expense of my needs. It's something I have to watch and work on. I'll probably struggle with it forever.

I also appreciate you being honest with me about the contemplation you did, over having children. I think I worried that would be hard for you later. My male friends in their forties are often asked if they'd still have kids... I know that's an option for you.

It is, I suppose.

It was one thing for me to help a man in his mid-thirties, who never previously wanted kids, see if he could handle it by interacting with mine. It's another to be potentially leading someone in their forties away from having their own. That first guy, he did love kids - mine in particular - but he also loathed having that many people in his life who all had needs, and feeling somewhat responsible towards all of us. In the end, he said he'd never date someone with children again.

Yeah, the kid journey... Wow, that’s such an odd thing. The more time I spend with my nephew the more I appreciate, on a day-to-day level, the sheer convenience of having someone to parent, or semi-parent, whose ass I have never needed to wipe off in the midst of a diaper change ... more than a dozen times or so. I mean, I changed his diaper sometimes, but it wasn't my job.

A friend of mine had kids and moved to England a few years ago. He's 48 now and divorced. She's taken the kids hours away from him and he sees them about four days a month. It's killing him. His gut response is to have more kids. Yikes; no!

Yikes! Yeah, kids is still on the table for me technically. And not hard to reach, if I'm indiscriminate with my sex life!

Younger women keep hitting him up. They want to procreate. I told him about my ex-husband with the twins, with them finishing high school when he's 65... Would he be game for that? If he had kids, they'd be learning to drive when he's retired. ... But who am I to say what's right for him? It's all I can do to care for the ones I have, in any sort of quality way they deserve. I can't add new ones.

My Dad had me when he was 42. I'm really grateful he waited until he had his head on straight and wanted to be a parent above all else.

Loving is all that really matters. Smart is handy. Ethical. Good teeth... Unbeknownst to me, my ex had braces and even jaw surgery before we met. Grr!

Hahaha! Well, loving is important, but here’s one thing that keeps me shying away from the idea: If I start a family with someone ten years younger than me, what’s her life going to be like when I’m pushing fifty, and she’s in her early forties?

Possibly, grand. I know several couples with spreads like those.

But here’s a dirty little secret: I may not have the energy to go chasing after two or three toddlers all day when I’m 53 or whatever. Or, well, I might have the energy, but would I be able to spend it that way, between them and work? So I'd probably be relying on their mom, with the greater share of energy. Doesn't seem fair.

I get the energy part. That's legit. But in my thirties I was also building a new career with two kids, both under 4, so...

That’s some serious energy!

Comments

[juan_gandhi]

I don't think other people's examples or opinions are in any way relevant in making life's decisions. They are best when left unheard. Same with stocks trades, the less nonsense we hear, the better.

[garote]

Well, people don't want to make mistakes and regret them. I definitely learned a lot from the example of my parents and cousins, etc...

[juan_gandhi]

Hmm, but it was you who learned, it was not them who taught you how to live and what to do. Big difference!

[garote]

I see your point. Most of the really valuable stuff I've learned was observation, not advice...

But there were some things. Like my father constantly telling me, "Don't beat yourself up if your plans to wrong. Just make another plan." I listened to that and skipped over a lot of guilt and running-in-circles...

[juan_gandhi]

Hmm, interesting.
Definitely people's experiences vary.