garote | The speech I wrote for Ann and Andrew

Hello everyone. I'm ordained with the Universal Life Church, and I'll be officiating on this fine occasion. First, I'm going to say a few words about Andrew and Ann as I know them.

I met Andrew right around the time my age went from single to double digits.

We bonded instantly because we both liked making fart sounds.

35 years later, that hasn't changed. The world around us is different though, and a guy's gotta have a good partner if he wants to be happy.

I can always tell when Andrew's happy because he makes more fart noises. Since he met Ann, he has made so many. Just walking around, or sometimes when he's concentrating really hard on something, he'll just go "fart fart fart," and I'll know he's happy. He's percolating. That's Ann working her magic.

Now, Ann, I met much later than I met Andrew. I can't say we bonded over fart noises. At first we bonded over our mutual delight in Andrew of course. But then I noticed something. A secret superpower.

Ann has class. And I don't mean the "I'm fancier than you" class. Not the "class up the joint" class either, though she can certainly do that. I mean real class.

Ann is the kind of person who can wait two hours in line at the DMV and then, when she finally gets to the clerk at the desk, treat that person like a friend and a human being; and even crack a joke, because that person probably hates their job and life would be better if we could stay kind in awful situations.

Then later on, she'll vent about it by making a series of truly awful puns about California bureaucracy. That's Ann transmuting frustration into something playful. That's class.

That's the world Ann wants to live in, and that's the world Ann projects, like an aura. You step in there and you find that conversations become more open, collaboration becomes easier, and you're shown by example how to put on your big girl pants and handle things.

Whether that's in a group of friends, or a band, or a family, Ann raises the standard, and if you're open to it, and you respond to a good pun, it becomes the aura you project as well.

That's the kind of class that keeps you from getting worn down by the world. Tough situations and tough people come at you in waves, and kindness under stress is what keeps wind in the sails, and a sense of humor is the bucket you use to bail out the pain.

Ann and Andrew both sailed their way through a lot of tough waves in life before they met each other. They also have something else in common: A really astonishingly, terribly, excruciatingly great sense of humor. Seriously.

I'm sure all of you have experienced one or the other of these folks cutting loose, but for those of you who haven't seen them both bouncing jokes off each other at the same time, well, set up a social call as soon as you can. They are a riot. That's how they were drawn together in the first place: Their senses of humor just folded together from day one.

That is one of the best ingredients, for making something that lasts.

And I should be clear, jokes aren't the only thing Andrew brings to this table. Now that he's older, he's more than fart noises.

He's also stubborn.

Here's what I mean: In my whole life, I have never met someone who is better than him at pushing through hard problems.

He'll set out to do something that's already hard, then he'll discover that the instructions are wrong. Then he'll find there's a part missing, so he'll fabricate one. Then he'll uncover two other things that are also broken, and fix those.

Then his tools will break, and he'll have to reschedule stuff, and go hunting for materials, and work in the rain, or in a crawlspace, or at midnight with a flashlight in his teeth and oil dripping on his face and bleeding hands. And then he will get it done.

And then he'll patch up his hands and get two hours of sleep and go do his regular job.

I had the pleasure of helping him fetch a car from the East Coast a few years ago. When he took possession of it in Boston, it wouldn't start. He mail-ordered exactly the parts and tools he needed and had it running in 2 days, then he tossed the tools in the back, and as we drove marathon-style across the country, he fixed the windows, the dashboard indicators, the locks, the stereo, and chunks of the cooling system. When we stopped to sleep, he got on the phone and ordered parts ahead in California to install when we arrived.

This is the guy you want in an apocalypse. This is the guy you want in regular life. This is the guy who will find some way to make it work.

Now we have two people together, who make their world classy, and functional, and funny, and creative. They have their flaws, but they accept them in each other, and they love and choose each other as a complete package. And they make a great team.

And they love their kids, and they love each others' kids. The line between these groups has already been removed for a long time.

These families have already been joined in sickness and health for years now. So it's about time we made if official. Time to take the air quotes off husband and wife.

Time to affirm what we already know, and file the paperwork that many of us assumed was already filed years ago because these two are so obviously great for each other.

Yes, we are here today to witness the union of Ann and Andrew in marriage.

Today, you continue as you have, while also beginning a new life together, founded in love, laughter, honesty, respect, and friendship. The promises you make to each other today are more than a ceremony. A marriage - that blessed arrangement - is a lasting and lifelong commitment.

The future promises many happy days, filled with opportunity, adventure, and challenge. It is through trust, love, and your unfailing support of each other, along with family and friends, that you will meet and ride these new waves.

Do you, Andrew, take Ann to be your spouse and to live together as partners, to treat them with love and respect, and to build a marriage that grows stronger and more loving as time passes?

(Yes, I do.)

And do you, Ann, take Andrew to be your spouse and to live together as partners, to treat them with love and respect, and to build a marriage that grows stronger and more loving as time passes?

(Yes, I do.)

The wedding ring represents the promises and potential of marriage.

(Ring bearer produces rings.)

A ring has no beginning or end, and is a timeless symbol of the love and commitment you have pledged. As you wear your ring, let it remind you of the love present here today.

Andrew, please place the ring on Ann's finger, and repeat after me:

I give you this ring
As a symbol of my love and devotion,
As we join our lives together,
Today,
Tomorrow,
And for as long
As our love shall last.

Now Ann, please place the ring on Andrew's finger.

I give you this ring
As a symbol of my love and devotion,
As we join our lives together,
Today,
Tomorrow,
And for as long
As our love shall last.

This marriage is a lasting bond that joins two lives and two hearts. Here we witness love. Companionship. Trust. And Respect.

May you always find strength in each other, laugh with each other, and find safety and comfort in each other’s words and company.

May you celebrate many joyful seasons together, support each other when the waves are high, and continue to learn and grow closer together with each passing year.

By the virtue of the authority vested in me by the State of California and the Universal Life Church,

I now pronounce you married!

You may kiss!

Congratulations!