A frank discussion with my Dad

[garote]

He's sitting at his dining room table, across from me, in the little apartment outside of Sacramento. I'm on my way through, wrapping up a visit from Southern California.

"You know that time I wanted advice, on how to find someone I liked? And you said 'go where they are'?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, right now my problem is, there's nowhere I can go. I'm not in school, and I don't like bars, and I can't stand going to clubs or dances alone. There isn't even a local college I can take a sports class in."

He nods. "Yeah, what you need to do is move closer to a college. You'll probably find more people there that you'd like. See, you're up here." He slices the air with his hand. "Most people are down here." He slices the air lower. "You're not gonna be happy with just anyone. And the way you describe your job, it doesn't sound like you have much chance meeting someone there."

"You better believe it. My job is one big social graveyard."

"Don't you have any friends down there you can go places with?"

"Yes, but the problem is, we don't have enough common interests. ... So there aren't many places I could go with them, where I'd meet people I like."

"Oh..."

"Actually, I've had more success with my original set of friends, up north. A while ago I was up there and I went to a little in-home concert with a couple of them, and I met someone there. I hung out with her for barely a few minutes, but for some reason she stuck in my brain. After I went home, I noticed she had a bunch of stuff posted online, and I started reading through it, and realized that she was someone I could really like."

"Sounds great. What's the problem?"

"She lives, like, five hundred miles away!!"

"But aren't you planning to move north anyway?"

"Well, yeah, that's pretty much my plan. I could stay in the spare room at my friend's house, pay him a couple hundred in rent - nothing compared to what I used to pay, and probably less than I'm paying now - and go to the state college and finish my degree. It's just a matter of when. If I could, I'd take off right now."

"Why can't you?"

"Because I'm still dealing with my bills, and I have a bunch of car payments to make, and I'm going to owe the tax-man a lot of money pretty soon."

"Ah."

"And the job I've got right now pays really, really well. If I were to move north, I'd probably take a 70% pay-cut just for changing locations."

"So you probably won't move up there for a couple months, huh?"

"Yeah, so, I find myself thinking about this person, and for me the question is, am I being a complete idiot for thinking so much about someone who lives so far away? Shouldn't I just go walk downtown and try and meet someone local?"

"What, just go hook up with some random person?"

"Well ... not just any random person, no."

He smiles. "Then how?"

I throw out my hands. "Yeah, that's my whole problem! I meet people I like either through school or friends, and I have neither here! I can't meet anyone local! Hell, I don't even feel like it. All I want to do is move north, but I can't because I need to save money."

"Well then. You're not an idiot for thinking about this girl."

I set down my drink, and sigh. "But what if I'm just torturing myself?"

"Torturing yourself?"

"Yeah."

He arches an eyebrow. "Explain?"

I lean forward, and peer into my drink. "Well, if I start talking to this person, say, through email, and over the phone, ... pretty soon I'll want to drive up and see her, and then I'll want to see her again, and some more, and I'll spend every weekend driving, and wear myself out, and spend a lot of gas money, and probably end up making a mess of things down here, and I'll never be able to move north, and things will only get worse. ... So shouldn't I just try and forget about it, at least for now?"

He smirks, and says, "You worry too much."

"Well it's hard not to! I don't want to start something that would just be torture for either of us."

"Look, it's torture for you right now. You're already worrying. You can think about it, but you shouldn't worry about it -- because no matter what happens, you'll survive anyway."

"Sure, I'll survive, I know that. But I just don't want to do something that would waste my time."

He sets down his cup and points a finger at me. "Now look," he says. "You're young."

"Oh, come on! You've been saying that forever!"

"Yeah, and I mean it. You're still young. You're barely even started. I was married eight years, then eight years, and then twenty three years. I could even get married again. I met your mother when I was forty. You've got plenty of time."

"Sure, but I want to spend it wisely. So I need to think. When I do these things without thinking, they get messy. I'm tired of things being messy."

"Who said anything about not thinking? Think all you want, but don't worry about it."

I lean forward with a wry look. "And just what's the difference, exactly?"

"If you can't change it anyway, then you're worrying about it."

"So how will I know if I can't change something?"

He flips his hand. "Try it and see."

"Pfft. Thanks." I say. "Well, I've tried to distract myself with my job. I know that doesn't work. I've tried to enjoy living in the south, and so far that hasn't worked. I've tried ignoring my interest in this person. And that's just depressing me."

He tilts his head. "Does she even know you're interested in her?"

"No, I don't think so." I shrug. "I haven't really made it clear yet."

"So." he says. "Just tell her what's on your mind." He puts his palm flat on the table. "Just say that you like her a lot, but you won't be close by for a couple more months. Tell her you feel stuck because you want to be with her, but at the same time you're earning good money where you are, and can't afford to leave it yet. Just explain exactly what's going on in your head. If she's the right kind of person, she'll understand. If she's the wrong kind of person, she won't understand, but then -- it won't matter anyway, will it?"

"Hmmm," I say.

He holds his hands up. "If there is something bothering you, or important to you, you should always say it. Never avoid saying something because you're afraid it might disrupt your relationship. If you say it, and it does, then the relationship needed to be disrupted. And then if the relationship ends, that is fine. You will survive anyway."

Because of this conversation I remembered two things. One, I didn't really have anything to be afraid of. And two, my Dad kicks ass. As soon as my phone is back in range, I'm going to make a call.

Comments

[zeugma92]

I've definitely read this one before. See also my earlier comment about your dad knowing how to live life. As I recall, at this point in time he was just on the other side of multiple personal disasters? "I met your mother when I was forty." <-- this keeps astonishing me, back then and even more so now. I can barely comprehend the idea of starting over with someone new at this point in my life, let alone starting a family. Thank goodness neither of those scenarios are happening right now, because to be honest, I probably wouldn't even take the trouble to go looking.

[garote]

Not taking the trouble to go looking is not a bad option!!

That's more or less what my aunt Kerna did, and she's lived a pretty impressively awesome life.

I think this was six or seven years after my Dad's gauntlet of disasters. By this point he'd sorted out his financial problems and had already been living with Margaret for a long time, but he still wasn't - and still isn't - over the divorce, in a very real sense. He'll bear a grudge on that forever.

Which I'm starting to understand, though I didn't for many years. If I were to go from 40 to 62, a stone's throw from retirement, in a beautiful fully-paid-for house, with three kids nearly independent and a big inheritance about to come in, and then have everything turned upside-down and have to walk away from it, I'd have trouble getting over it too. But this is something that can happen when you try to Do It All Your Own Way. So I better learn from his mistakes. Heh heh.

[juan_gandhi]

Interesting how one can rely on his parents. I just could not imagine asking anybody's advice on any private matter. Just acting. The only life guidance I got was from "Cat's Cradle".