Journal entry from Christmas, 1992
Dec. 25th, 1992 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
garoteWe went to my eccentric Uncle Denny's house to celebrate Christmas. He told me some interesting things.
"Your parents, in particular your dad, they bully you a lot psychologically. Your dad always maintains this image that he is the tough, wise man who never screws up and is financially stable. But believe me, they're just as scared and insecure as you are."
"What you need to do is get out from under them, get away from them, and develop some self esteem for yourself."
"Let me tell you, despite what your parents say, or what your sister does in college; grades, grading, the whole system, it doesn't mean shit. I have a friend in Australia, never went to college, applied to one but was refused because of his grades. So he struck out on his own, and became a millionaire. And you know what? The college then sends him a letter asking him to please attend their college, just so they can say he went there. They offer to pay him a thousand dollars per visit - per day. Naturally, he refused."
"Find your one thing, that one special thing, and stick to it. Do it, do it, do it, and nothing else matters jack shit compared to it. If you can make your life out of it, happiness and perhaps even success will come to you."
He fully recommends that I read the autobiography of Albert Einstein, and constantly declares that "that guy was a REAL genius."
When I got home later that evening, I felt very sick. I sat down in front of the heater feeling very sick, dizzy, kind of nauseated. That was the night I caught the flu.
"Your parents, in particular your dad, they bully you a lot psychologically. Your dad always maintains this image that he is the tough, wise man who never screws up and is financially stable. But believe me, they're just as scared and insecure as you are."
"What you need to do is get out from under them, get away from them, and develop some self esteem for yourself."
"Let me tell you, despite what your parents say, or what your sister does in college; grades, grading, the whole system, it doesn't mean shit. I have a friend in Australia, never went to college, applied to one but was refused because of his grades. So he struck out on his own, and became a millionaire. And you know what? The college then sends him a letter asking him to please attend their college, just so they can say he went there. They offer to pay him a thousand dollars per visit - per day. Naturally, he refused."
"Find your one thing, that one special thing, and stick to it. Do it, do it, do it, and nothing else matters jack shit compared to it. If you can make your life out of it, happiness and perhaps even success will come to you."
He fully recommends that I read the autobiography of Albert Einstein, and constantly declares that "that guy was a REAL genius."
When I got home later that evening, I felt very sick. I sat down in front of the heater feeling very sick, dizzy, kind of nauseated. That was the night I caught the flu.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-09 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-13 01:37 am (UTC)As a kid, I listened to Denny and wrote down what he said, but I thought of it as a kind of bizarre "what if" scenario more than a legitimate interpretation. I just couldn't grok it, because my parents were so powerful in my own life. Also, I knew Denny as a "life of the party" type who liked to tell exaggerated stories, often where he was either the hero, or the guy who recognized the hero for who he was when others wouldn't.
As an adult I connected that puzzle piece with another one too, and understood why Denny was such a success: He totally loved digging people up, confronting them with an idea or scenario, and then finding a way to put them to work - either in his own organization or by sending them to someone else he knew. His whole personality was a trial-by-fire.
So as an adult I can view what he said through a more accurate lens: Of course Denny said that - because that's how Denny thinks. That's how he works his magic. Thats why he's so good at managing Jeffersonian engineer types and inspiring their loyalty. "Do that thing you're obsessed with; you'll like it, and people like me will reward you for it."
Later on in college I met a help helpful physics teacher (whom I also had a crush on) and she said: "Don't be one of those needle people. Don't construct a huge tall tower of knowledge on one little thing and then live inside it. It won't be good for you later in life. Learn about all kinds of things." That turned out to be very important especially now that I'm in "late adulthood".
So at best, Denny's advice was incomplete.
Also, here's another thing: My Dad is a decade older than Denny. Denny was raising kids in his late 20's while my Dad was raising kids in his early 40's. It's not that Ben was better at concealing fear and insecurity, I think he honestly felt less of it than Denny did at the time. And when my parents divorced it was difficult, yes, but it wasn't nearly as difficult as what any of my cousins endured, Denny's kids included.
Nevertheless, he was right about reclaiming my self-esteem:
My parents were not at all willing to place their faith in my obsession with computers and leave grades and school participation by the wayside. They were not confident that I would muddle through, they felt that school performance was vital for future opportunities. The grades, the GPA itself, not just the knowledge gained. My intense difficulty concentrating in school mystified them. I hated myself for being unable to do what both my sisters seemed to do with ease. I felt broken and doomed. In retrospect, it was the divorce that freed me, since my parents no longer had the bandwidth to harass me anymore.
My official academic career has been over for 16 YEARS, and I still sometimes wake up from withering nightmares where I wander a high-school campus, convinced that a final exam is taking place somewhere for a class I haven't done any homework for, and the sense of failure grows and grows until I'm ready to collapse and die right where I stand. I wake up sweating, on the edge of tears, and before I get out of bed I have to lower my heart rate by reassuring myself over and over that I am not in school, not in school any more, no more school ever again.
Then, I get up and do what I've always done anyway: Dig around for something fascinating and follow it up.