Very Poorly
Mar. 18th, 2002 04:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
garoteWriting l33t perl code was good. Window-shopping for digital cameras was good. Eating a restaurant meal with my family members was good.
You know that feeling you get when your stomach burns, and your throat tightens, and your eyes bug out, and your mouth dries up, and your neck stiffens, and your breathing gets irregular?
Now it's very late and I feel very very bad, because in the course of testing the l33t perl code I read through a couple dozen emails from 2000, when my last significant relationship was in full swing. And I was inevitably driven to the bitter observation of how fundamentally alone I am here and now.
The kicking element, the topmost fact that makes this all so discouraging, is that the person I'm missing the most doesn't know that I am missing them, and with the passage of so much time, probably shouldn't know, now. But how could I possibly tell that?
Bah. This is all very unhealthy for me.
You know that feeling you get when your stomach burns, and your throat tightens, and your eyes bug out, and your mouth dries up, and your neck stiffens, and your breathing gets irregular?
Now it's very late and I feel very very bad, because in the course of testing the l33t perl code I read through a couple dozen emails from 2000, when my last significant relationship was in full swing. And I was inevitably driven to the bitter observation of how fundamentally alone I am here and now.
The kicking element, the topmost fact that makes this all so discouraging, is that the person I'm missing the most doesn't know that I am missing them, and with the passage of so much time, probably shouldn't know, now. But how could I possibly tell that?
Bah. This is all very unhealthy for me.
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Re: .
Date: 2002-03-20 02:41 pm (UTC)Guys confuse me [but the opposite sex confuses everyone, am I not correct?]..Some want me, but say that I have a problem opening up to them [telling them what's wrong, etc..]. The whole opening up problem is due to people whom I've told what was wrong, and they laughed or told me it was a dumb reason to be upset. I just don't want to deal with that anymore, so I keep it away from most people.
My brother has psycho friends [this is off subject].
One lit his cat and carpet on fire, and the dad told him not to do it again, and went to sleep.
Carlsbad, eh? I like that town, although I feel for you and not wanting to be in the place you are now. My mum told me I could go back to Santa Barbara with my dad [my dad is a horribly irresponsible], but I REALLY don't want that. I guess I'll just have to suck it up for 2 more years.
How did you end up in Carlsbad?
:
Date: 2002-03-20 04:28 pm (UTC)>:(
So I moved out of Paradena and moved in to Carlsbad, staying with my mother and my younger sister, continuing to save money. I have plant to go up north but don't have any details yet, so in the meantime I'm socking it away.