A conversation about dating and kids, part 2

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It's fun being an uncle. I'm enjoying the mildly subversive side of it. Drawing my nephews out of their shells, throwing him into slightly challenging situations... Or just hanging around with them listening to their weird observations...

Parenting is great like that. The enjoying and fortifying of the young minds part, that to me is glorious. The very dark Gen-Z humor resonates with me too.

Absolutely. So I guess it's natural to ask, "why should I even date?" when there's so much to do with these young people. But ... well, for some reason I still like romance ... and sex, thirty years after being a teenager.

How dare you! All our parts are supposed to be dried up or broken by now. And, you're supposed to be a bitter cynic who likes chocolate more than people.

Well I do like chocolate something fierce.

Dating chocolate sucks though. The conversation is one-sided; it's all "nom nom nom". Also, chocolate is calories, whereas sex burns them.

But there's no competition when you're trying to date chocolate! You'll never get rejected...

Hah!

And seriously, rejection is exhausting. If it happens enough you start to get paranoid. Hence: Chocolate.

That's another thing I'm not looking forward to, the rejection. Part of why I'm determined to make it less of a priority. Go a bit easier on myself.

I wrote this thing a while back called "The Man I Fear". It’s basically a picture in my head of the person I most resent competing against, in the dating world. Nailing it down on paper was weirdly educational, because I had to get specific.

Huh. So who's this guy?

The summary was this: He's taller than me, in great shape with broad shoulders and obvious abs, and has no gray hair. He has tailored clothes and a fancy watch.  His shoes are super expensive. And he is supremely, endlessly self-confident and self-assured, and cheerful and smiling all the time.

Hah! I'd never date that guy. Like, ever. Also, that's so relatable. I could write to you about the woman I fear.

Oh do tell!

Well, I'm not sure if I fear her, so much as I've just come to accept she's out there. An army of her. I seem to stand out as different from her, which amuses some people in its novelty, but not enough to win out. She's the reason he abruptly stops writing to me, or looks distracted if we do meet. Or randomly, suddenly stops responding. He couldn't wait to see me before, but he's suddenly so very busy. Or he sends me some cold-worded text, to prove to himself he's a gentleman, and says I seem lovely but he's just got to focus on the woman who seems like "a better fit."

It's pretty sad that around here in this workaholic place, rejection usually sounds like a text message from an HR department. Like, work is all people know...

Yeah. So, she's unremarkable in any one way, but cumulatively she's too hard to ignore: Tall or petite, depending on preference, but definitely fit. Does a whole lot of yoga, which not only means a lot of staring at an ass he could bounce a quarter off of through the ubiquitous yoga pants, but also drooling over the possibility she can wedge her feet behind her head. If she's smart, she's not "too smart." She's entertaining, but never intimidating. She's somehow successful yet kind of a bimbo. She isn't distracted by silly things like her kids or her career, and she expects nothing of him, but is overjoyed when he spoils her. She's not challenging or complex, just light and easy. Like a human sundress.

Hah!

And you know? To hell with her. I kinda don't even care anymore. People dig me or they don't.

Preach it!

By the way, the man you fear... You say he doesn't have gray hair, but... Grey hair is hot.

Oh come on! How in the world can gray hair possibly be hot? I’ve heard that half a dozen times and I really honestly do not understand it! To me it just screams "old"!

Um, have you heard of Sean Connery? Sam Elliot? It just is.

Harrumph.

Buy hey, I also don't believe the very few men who say grey hair is hot on women. But if that plays in my favor, I'll take it.

Well, you have the complexion to match, so if you want to, you can dye your hair red pretty much until you're a hundred years old and no one will be concerned.

You aren't the first person I've heard say that.

That description though... It's funny how "the man I fear" and "the woman you fear" overlap: They're both shallow and selfish types, but they're so physically hot that it barely matters how they behave. They just vacuum up all the attention anyway. It's easy to imagine them out there, causing nice people who might be interested in us to just vanish.

What's a brain teaser for me is the opposite effect. When men say things like "I've never met a woman like you before. You're so this, and yet that, but not this other." And then they use that as a reason to vanish after the second date. Like, sure I'm amazing, but somehow also problematic? Hmmm.

I've been told all kinds of things. Everyone seems to get a different impression. Maybe because I evolve between them? I know there's something ... off about me. I can navigate male society but I'm not at home there. I hate everything macho. I'm full of songs and accents and dumb jokes, but I don't do sarcasm or teasing. I've learned that plenty of people say they want someone like me, but then they meet me and get disoriented and wander off after one or two dates, like there's something missing. I like to think it's the arrogance or macho-ness they're expecting, but when I'm feeling less secure I think it's because I'm gross or said something insulting that I didn't catch, and I'll never really know...

I get that. Some men think they want "a strong, independent woman" because their exes were needy or dependent or clingy or ineffectual. But when they realize you can exist without them, and just prefer to have them around... They don't get that "needed" feeling.

Yeah. Being "needed" is a kind of security. But here's an interesting thought: There are people on the other end of the spectrum who say they are "strong and independent", and it’s actually more like "unsupportive and mercurial." Maybe some guys feel like they're looking for the lesser of two evils.

I wonder what it says about our culture that they feel like they have to choose...