garote | Jan. 9th, 2024

I never played this game as a kid. It sailed right past my ragtag software pirate crew in the 80's. Thanks to fancy emulator technology I can play it now. That's cool, but so what? One word: Deranged.

This version of The Hobbit is full of deranged characters and nonsense, like one of my favorite childhood books, "Alice In Wonderland." Many adventure games from the 80's were this way, mostly because the computing limitations of the time forced games to exist with one foot in the world of crude Turing machines and robotic behavior, and the other foot in the literary world -- since text is much cheaper to work with than graphics or sound. And when you use text to convey what's going on, you have a lot of creative freedom, including the freedom to massively overreach.

And that is what this game does. I played through it last night and it was another trip through the looking glass, into a world where nature, human behavior, and even basic laws of physics have been twisted into taffy.

The rest of this text is adapted from a strategy guide for The Hobbit by Jared Davis, since it provided a great framework to describe the insanity I found:

The Hobbit is a text adventure, so you interact with it by typing things like "ATTACK GOBLIN" and "EAT FOOD". The graphics are a sweet bonus but they're quite static. You can type "OPEN DOOR" and the game will tell you "THE DOOR OPENS", but the door in the picture will not move. Oh well, it's 1982, so we'll take whatever we can get.

Unlike other text games from this era, The Hobbit has a real-time element. So if you don't type anything for a while, the console will tell you "TIME PASSES" and things will happen anyway. Adding to the instability, your companions in the game can wander around on their own, and if you stand in one place they will often get impatient and leave. Two of these NPCs (non-playable characters) are ostensibly on your side: Thorin the dwarf, and Gandalf the Wizard.

The NPCs may fight and do other functions for you. You may ask them to do something and they might comply, remain silent, or even say "No" when you're about to be killed. They are inscrutable. In one game I played, Gandalf had an odd habit of picking up dead bodies and carrying them around.

Right at the start, Gandalf hands you a map, which you need to take to Elrond. Along the way Gandalf may snatch it back from you without warning, then wander off and drop it somewhere. This can be quite vexing since you need it to reach the Misty Mountains.

Did you notice that chest in the picture of Bilbo's home? That's where you put the treasure you steal from Smaug, and doing so ends the game. You can open the chest, close it, and get inside it as well, with or without Thorin. Getting inside it and closing it isn't recommended though, since you'll be trapped for eternity.

A creature called a Warg roams the game, and can show up virtually anywhere. It may also be killed before you encounter it, possibly by Elrond, a troll, Gandalf, or a Goblin. It is also possible that it will kill someone you'll need on your quest, so hope you find it before it finds them.

There is also a Wood Elf in the game, who usually hangs out in Mirkwood, though he can wander from his post. If he finds you he will likely throw you into the Elf King's dungeon. Depending on where you both are, this can actually be a shortcut.

When you're not around, the Warg can sometimes bump into the Wood Elf. They may fight, or the Wood Elf may throw the Warg into the dungeon. In that case, if you get thrown into the dungeon, the Warg may attack you there, or you may arrive in the dungeon to find a dead prison guard (and no Warg.)

In the Misty Mountains there are many goblins. They may fight you, but will more likely throw you in their dungeon. You can escape from the dungeon by climbing out a high window, but being a hobbit, you're not tall enough to do it yourself. You must wait for Thorin to get thrown into the dungeon alongside you, then "SAY TO THORIN 'CARRY ME, OPEN WINDOW, GO WEST'". If Thorin is feeling cooperative, he will then pick you up and haul you out the window with him.

There is also another way to escape: In some games, the goblins wander away from the Misty Mountains and will capture the Wood Elf. Then if they capture you, you will get thrown into the goblins' dungeon, and a few moments later the Wood Elf will throw you into the Elf King's dungeon. Problem solved!

When you get to Lake-town, you need to recruit Bard to kill Smaug the Dragon. He might follow you, but if he doesn't you can pick him up and carry him. He has one arrow, but in order to fire it he must remove it from his quiver first, which he may not do. It's best to take the quiver from him as soon as you meet, then hand him back the arrow. Once you encounter Smaug you will actually have to tell Bard to shoot him, or he will just stand there and get roasted, turning into "DEAD BARD."

If Bard isn't around, you still have a chance to win the game. You can try to fight Smaug yourself, using your sword, the bow and arrow, or any other object in the game, for example you can wield "ROPE" or "DEAD GOLLUM" and then "VICIOUSLY ATTACK SMAUG," which has a success rate far, far higher than you'd expect.

If you don't want to get your hands dirty, you can also ask someone else to fight Smaug. For example, you can stand just outside the cave where the dragon waits, then "SAY TO GANDALF 'GO NORTH, KILL DRAGON, GO SOUTH'." If Gandalf doesn't come back, the dragon killed him. If he comes back, it's possible he tried to kill the dragon but failed. So "SAY TO GANDALF 'GO NORTH, KILL DRAGON, GO SOUTH'" again. This time, if he comes back, the dragon is dead. No one goes two rounds with Smaug without someone getting killed. If he doesn't come back, either he's stuck in the cave looking confused since there's no dragon to fight, or he's charcoal. Still, the odds are better than fighting Smaug yourself, right? And at this point, since you're already at the Misty Mountains, Gandalf is quite expendable. Heh heh heh...

Not a very hobbity way of thinking? Well that's quite appropriate in a world made of deranged nonsense.

You know, less than a year from now we're going to see the first adventure games with NPCs built on "large language model" technology. And just like any other time when artists are working on a fronteir with new material, there will be glorious overreach. The lunacy you'll find in games from 2024 will look just like this game from 1982.