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Advice for an enduring relationship
Jun. 10th, 2023 01:45 amI know what you're thinking: What right do I have to make such a list, given my varied romantic history? If I truly knew about "enduring", wouldn't I be celebrating a 30th anniversary or something with one person right now?
Well, you can make many mistakes with one person, or with many different people... What matters is whether you learn enough to keep history from repeating as you go!
I started this list somewhere around 15 years ago, and have tinkered with it ever since. The idea has always been to keep it short, so I can read down it and remind myself of things I might try or pay attention to. For a while I thought I would print out the numbered bits and frame it on my wall, like when I was in college and I printed out a sign reading "TIME TO KICK MORE ASS" and stuck it on the inside of my door so I'd see it every day.
But I never did do that, and perhaps because of something else: All the items of advice below are very personal, learned from things in my own past, and I don't think there's any way to shortcut that process. I mean, just because someone has a list, doesn't mean they'll embrace or even understand what's on it. I think that only comes from having the experiences. And so, what's the point of a list that you didn't make yourself?
So this ends up being just the same as a list you might find in "Vogue", "Cosmo", or "O" at the checkout stand. An idle curiosity, or at the very most something you use as a jumping off point to make your own. And, I am definitely interested in hearing what other people might put on their own list, especially if it contradicts things on mine!
Anyway, with that disclaimer in place, I now present the list:
So you love someone who loves you. Adulthood accomplished? Game over, epic victory? No.
You and your partner will both change as your lives continue. Even if you resist it. Be willing to explore and embrace that change. Push your comfort zone. If you don't, you'll look back in your old age and wonder where your life went - and who your partner is - and who you could have been.
Dialogue - spending time talking, and listening - is the breath of life in a relationship. Career and children and hobbies can choke that dialogue. Sometimes you will need to fight for it.
It's obvious you should try to tell the truth.
However, there's a habit you can practice that will improve your communication beyond that basic rule: There is always more truth to tell.
For example, the truth might be, "I think this pie you baked tastes awful."
More of the truth might be, "I usually love your cooking, and I don't want you to be discouraged from it, and I feel a bit like a jerk saying this, but I think this pie tastes awful."
Practice this. Do not pride yourself on being "blunt"; you are just forcing others to compensate for your lack of skill.
Your passion and attraction for your partner is something you have a stake in, and some influence over. You share some responsibility for those feelings.
So when your partner does or says something that causes you to lose respect for them, you need to talk about it. Don't let the idea that you "should never want to change your partner" act as an excuse to avoid challenging them this way. Sometimes the most important thing you can do as a partner is call them on their crap, and then advocate - with love - for change. (See items 1 and 3.)
Just because you're partnered doesn't mean you can let your social circle atrophy. You are still a person in the world, and you still need to engage with it. If you don't, you may paint yourself into a psychological corner ... Or perhaps never emerge from one you're already in.
Getting along with a variety of people will also help to maintain fairness with your partner. A long-time partner can understand you so well that they will accept behavior that would be confusing or even unbearable to others. That can be convenient, but may also twist your relationship out of the realm of adulthood.
Independence starves intimacy - and dependence starves passion. Reach for the sweet spot: Be reliable. Be reliant. If you're only ever one of these, you're doing it wrong.
Infatuation is a fragile thing. It barely lasts one turn of the seasons. For your home to endure you must learn how to replace broken stones with solid ones, and a new stone won't fit into place if you can't sweep the fragments of pain or resentment away. That is done by forgiving, and seeing anew.
An apology from your partner is an invitation to help rebuild, not an I.O.U. that you stick in a savings account to buy your way out of emotional work when you screw up later on. If you're hoarding resentments, you're not running a partnership, you're running a workhouse, and in time your employee will quit.
No one is perfect; not even you. If something is going badly, you may be a factor. Think about how, and try something. If you're not bringing your A-game, if you're not vulnerable, why are you even here?
Well, you can make many mistakes with one person, or with many different people... What matters is whether you learn enough to keep history from repeating as you go!
I started this list somewhere around 15 years ago, and have tinkered with it ever since. The idea has always been to keep it short, so I can read down it and remind myself of things I might try or pay attention to. For a while I thought I would print out the numbered bits and frame it on my wall, like when I was in college and I printed out a sign reading "TIME TO KICK MORE ASS" and stuck it on the inside of my door so I'd see it every day.
But I never did do that, and perhaps because of something else: All the items of advice below are very personal, learned from things in my own past, and I don't think there's any way to shortcut that process. I mean, just because someone has a list, doesn't mean they'll embrace or even understand what's on it. I think that only comes from having the experiences. And so, what's the point of a list that you didn't make yourself?
So this ends up being just the same as a list you might find in "Vogue", "Cosmo", or "O" at the checkout stand. An idle curiosity, or at the very most something you use as a jumping off point to make your own. And, I am definitely interested in hearing what other people might put on their own list, especially if it contradicts things on mine!
Anyway, with that disclaimer in place, I now present the list:
1. A relationship is an arena for self-actualization. Not proof of it.
So you love someone who loves you. Adulthood accomplished? Game over, epic victory? No.
You and your partner will both change as your lives continue. Even if you resist it. Be willing to explore and embrace that change. Push your comfort zone. If you don't, you'll look back in your old age and wonder where your life went - and who your partner is - and who you could have been.
2. Make time to reconnect.
Dialogue - spending time talking, and listening - is the breath of life in a relationship. Career and children and hobbies can choke that dialogue. Sometimes you will need to fight for it.
3. Always try to tell more of the truth.
It's obvious you should try to tell the truth.
However, there's a habit you can practice that will improve your communication beyond that basic rule: There is always more truth to tell.
For example, the truth might be, "I think this pie you baked tastes awful."
More of the truth might be, "I usually love your cooking, and I don't want you to be discouraged from it, and I feel a bit like a jerk saying this, but I think this pie tastes awful."
Practice this. Do not pride yourself on being "blunt"; you are just forcing others to compensate for your lack of skill.
4. Passion is based on admiration. Encourage what you admire.
Your passion and attraction for your partner is something you have a stake in, and some influence over. You share some responsibility for those feelings.
So when your partner does or says something that causes you to lose respect for them, you need to talk about it. Don't let the idea that you "should never want to change your partner" act as an excuse to avoid challenging them this way. Sometimes the most important thing you can do as a partner is call them on their crap, and then advocate - with love - for change. (See items 1 and 3.)
5. If your partner is also your best friend, you might need more friends.
Just because you're partnered doesn't mean you can let your social circle atrophy. You are still a person in the world, and you still need to engage with it. If you don't, you may paint yourself into a psychological corner ... Or perhaps never emerge from one you're already in.
Getting along with a variety of people will also help to maintain fairness with your partner. A long-time partner can understand you so well that they will accept behavior that would be confusing or even unbearable to others. That can be convenient, but may also twist your relationship out of the realm of adulthood.
6. Learn to rely.
Independence starves intimacy - and dependence starves passion. Reach for the sweet spot: Be reliable. Be reliant. If you're only ever one of these, you're doing it wrong.
7. Sometimes things go badly, even when everyone is doing their best.
Infatuation is a fragile thing. It barely lasts one turn of the seasons. For your home to endure you must learn how to replace broken stones with solid ones, and a new stone won't fit into place if you can't sweep the fragments of pain or resentment away. That is done by forgiving, and seeing anew.
An apology from your partner is an invitation to help rebuild, not an I.O.U. that you stick in a savings account to buy your way out of emotional work when you screw up later on. If you're hoarding resentments, you're not running a partnership, you're running a workhouse, and in time your employee will quit.
8. Remember humility.
No one is perfect; not even you. If something is going badly, you may be a factor. Think about how, and try something. If you're not bringing your A-game, if you're not vulnerable, why are you even here?
