Gender roles in the midwest

We were talking about whether to move some place cheaper during the pandemic, to save money, and perhaps invest in property.

"I don't think I'm quite ready to leave the west coast," she said. "I know what it's like out there in the midwest. I just got this cool new job with these great women, and I'm feeling powerful, and I like the way I fit in with them. In the midwest I'd be surrounded by people who have different ways of seeing women, and of being women. I think that would erode the energy I need when I'm working. I would feel less powerful."

"I hear that. I haven't lived long-term in the midwest, but when I was going through there, I definitely got a lot of that traditional vibe. It was funny also that I could see it vary depending on the size of the city I was in. And it wasn't this smooth change in the cities. There were just people with more ... 'modern' ... attitudes mixed in with the usual traditional people. They weren't averaging together that way I expected. What got really weird was, sometimes I would look around me and realize that I was literally surrounded by people who had ideas about gender and work and sex that were totally at odds with mine. I was massively outnumbered and the only thing I could do to get by was hide."

"Exactly. And midwest people are very nice, and helpful, and lots of other good things. But I just don't want my daily interactions with people to get shoved into that box. Especially not when I'm being this powerful person I want and need to be."

I nodded. "I think there's a good reason why all these big tech companies are on the coast, especially the west coast. Things have evolved a lot here."

"Yeah. Especially with gender roles and work. Like, if you were a guy from the midwest, you'd just say, 'we're moving to Illinois and that's that', and I would be expected to pack up and make the best of it. There wouldn't even be an argument; or if there was, I would lose."

"Heh. Yeah, I know better than to make some kind of ultimatum. Even if I really wanted to move there; which isn't the case."

"If you did I would just be like, 'okay, see ya!' and I'd stay right here."

"Exactly."

We pondered in silence for a while, then I said, "Yeah, I remember being a kid in the 80's and 90's here, and getting this sense that everyone around me had torn the lid off of traditional gender roles and was pulling the pieces out and taking a good look at them. Like, take my Mom for example. Total Berkeley native. It's obvious she did plenty of her own examination of those roles when she was growing up, deciding what to keep and what to change. When she was raising us she taught me that a lady appreciates it when you hold the door for her, if you don't make a big deal out of it. But she also said, a lady doesn't owe you anything even if you paid for the whole date. She left out stuff too, like everything traditional gender roles say about careers and division of labor. There was no 'you need to be a good breadwinner for your lady' or 'you need to learn cooking so you can feed your man.' Same deal with my Dad, in his own way. There were lots of families around me who didn't encourage their daughters to play sports because it wasn't ladylike, but my Dad was all, 'of course my girls are going out on the field; it builds self confidence! Everyone needs self confidence!' And they played more softball, soccer, and volleyball than I ever did."

"Cool!"

"Yeah. And it was all invisible to me, because I was swimming in it."

"Well, of course."

"Until college, where suddenly I realized it was this generational thing. A generational reconstruction, and I could participate in it. Same with the people around me."

"Yay college!"

I laughed. "Yeah! But you know, I think there are lots of places in the midwest where that reconstruction just ... hasn't happened yet. And that kind of creeps me out."

"Ugh, me too. I just don't think I'm willing to be surrounded by that right now."

"Agreed."