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[garote]

Uncertainty. Did some writing tonight, on comments. Planning my Santa Cruz, Sacramento, and Oregon visits. Received a package. Talked on the phone with a college friend, Jeremy, an elementary school teacher with a good heart.

"Yeah, I can see how that didn't work out for you. See, you remind me of another friend of mine. You're both this open, honest person, really good with communicating, really nice. You need to hook up with someone who knows who she is and what she wants. You've both had too much of these fresh-out-of-school doesn't know how to live together doesn't know what she wants kind of girls."

Feel like I'm missing something. Meeting to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow with seven friends and three family members. Should be happy. Excited. Vague sense of dread. Struck by an infatuation with someone, but tortured with the apprehension that anything I do would corrupt a connection. Trying to be very very careful. Wringing my hands in the off hours. Pounding the shower wall.

Mostly worried that her previous thought is right. The contents of my head are irrelevant compared to this geography. There's no point when I live so far away. Why would I persist? Felt a sense of something the very first day. Was too involved with another to act. What does this mean? Wish I could do something.

Uncertain and sad. Unsure what to do.